Vegan Worried About Carnivore Boyfriend

Dear Abbner,

I have just started dating a guy from my hometown. He is a terrific guy, very attentive, funny, and a good kisser. My only problem is that I am a vegan, and he is...not. In fact, not only does he eat disgusting red meat, he is also a hunter who likes to eat Bambi, Thumper, and Rocky (deer, rabbit, and squirrel).

I like this guy a lot, but I'm not sure I can have a future with a man who sees nothing wrong with eating other living creatures.

Does this relationship have a future?


-Meatless in Montana



Dear Meatless,

The chances of this relationship working will be directly proportional to how zealous you are about your anti-meat stance.

For example, once married, will he be required to cook all of his own meals? Will you be nagging at him for every hamburger and McNugget he consumes? Will you be calling him "baby seal killer" every time you have an argument?

The level of zealotry isn't just a question for inter-epicurean relationships. Catholics and Jews have been able to intermarry and live happily together, as have Methodists and Lutherans, Presbyterians and Baptists, and even the occasional Episcopalian and agnostic, so long as their individual versions of God don't become verbal truncheons with which to bash a mate over the head. For example, I've never heard of a successful Jewish/Muslim coupling, but that doesn't mean it couldn't happen so long as nobody brings up the "my religion is older than your religion" or "my Messiah could kick your Messiah's ass" taunt during an argument.

The point is that it isn't really about your devotion to a deviant lifestyle. (Sorry, I just let some of my meat-eating bigotry take a bite out of the discussion). It's about your ability to find common ground instead of turning that ground into a turf war.

In your case, I'm not particularly optimistic.

The fact that you see this as an issue means it IS an issue. In my experience, vegans are so extreme and zealous about their menu choices that even weirdoes like vegetarians aren't radical or militant enough for them.

The fact is that your man doesn't just eat meat, a mindless non-choice made by people who usually don't think about the fact that ground beef doesn't actually come from the ground; he actually kills meat sources. There are even some non-vegetarians who are squeamish about this practice, and have been known to offer verbal harangues to those who shoot cute, furry animals; chastisements that usually take place at dinner over a good plate of veal or lamb curry.

If you're not willing to ease your extremism about the consumption of meat and meat by-products, I would recommend you go out and find yourself another vegan. Of course, he might be too scrawny and weak to make it all the way down the aisle with you, but just think of all the money you'll save at the reception by offering a main course of sticks and roots. You probably won't get any of the cool wedding gifts, like a George Foreman grill or a turkey deep fryer, but you'll likely be up to your emaciated elbows in cuisinarts and food processors. Hopefully you'll still get some matching china and silverware, unless you plan on raising your children as true vegans. (The good news is you won't need a good redneck wedding present like a lawnmower, since you can just put your kids out in the back yard to graze.)

Save yourself and some poor meat-eating slob the heartache (and soy milk heartburn) of arguing over whether deep-fried Twinkies count as a fruit or a vegetable.


^Abbner


If you have a question or need advice with a "male perspective" on relationship issues, behavioral issues, dude etiquette, or the best penmanship techniques for writing your name in the snow with yellow ink, e-mail your questions to dearabbner@yahoo.com.