Dear Abbner,
I have just started dating a guy from my hometown. He is a terrific guy, very attentive, funny, and a good kisser. My only problem is that I am a vegan, and he is...not. In fact, not only does he eat disgusting red meat, he is also a hunter who likes to eat Bambi, Thumper, and Rocky (deer, rabbit, and squirrel).
I like this guy a lot, but I'm not sure I can have a future with a man who sees nothing wrong with eating other living creatures.
Does this relationship have a future?
-Meatless in Montana
Dear Meatless,
The chances of this relationship working will be directly proportional to how zealous you are about your anti-meat stance.
For example, once married, will he be required to cook all of his own meals? Will you be nagging at him for every hamburger and McNugget he consumes? Will you be calling him "baby seal killer" every time you have an argument?
The level of zealotry isn't just a question for inter-epicurean relationships. Catholics and Jews have been able to intermarry and live happily together, as have Methodists and Lutherans, Presbyterians and Baptists, and even the occasional Episcopalian and agnostic, so long as their individual versions of God don't become verbal truncheons with which to bash a mate over the head. For example, I've never heard of a successful Jewish/Muslim coupling, but that doesn't mean it couldn't happen so long as nobody brings up the "my religion is older than your religion" or "my Messiah could kick your Messiah's ass" taunt during an argument.
The point is that it isn't really about your devotion to a deviant lifestyle. (Sorry, I just let some of my meat-eating bigotry take a bite out of the discussion). It's about your ability to find common ground instead of turning that ground into a turf war.
In your case, I'm not particularly optimistic.
The fact that you see this as an issue means it IS an issue. In my experience, vegans are so extreme and zealous about their menu choices that even weirdoes like vegetarians aren't radical or militant enough for them.
The fact is that your man doesn't just eat meat, a mindless non-choice made by people who usually don't think about the fact that ground beef doesn't actually come from the ground; he actually kills meat sources. There are even some non-vegetarians who are squeamish about this practice, and have been known to offer verbal harangues to those who shoot cute, furry animals; chastisements that usually take place at dinner over a good plate of veal or lamb curry.
If you're not willing to ease your extremism about the consumption of meat and meat by-products, I would recommend you go out and find yourself another vegan. Of course, he might be too scrawny and weak to make it all the way down the aisle with you, but just think of all the money you'll save at the reception by offering a main course of sticks and roots. You probably won't get any of the cool wedding gifts, like a George Foreman grill or a turkey deep fryer, but you'll likely be up to your emaciated elbows in cuisinarts and food processors. Hopefully you'll still get some matching china and silverware, unless you plan on raising your children as true vegans. (The good news is you won't need a good redneck wedding present like a lawnmower, since you can just put your kids out in the back yard to graze.)
Save yourself and some poor meat-eating slob the heartache (and soy milk heartburn) of arguing over whether deep-fried Twinkies count as a fruit or a vegetable.
^Abbner
If you have a question or need advice with a "male perspective" on relationship issues, behavioral issues, dude etiquette, or the best penmanship techniques for writing your name in the snow with yellow ink, e-mail your questions to dearabbner@yahoo.com.
Saturday, November 19, 2011
Saturday, November 12, 2011
Sex A Non-Starter For Longtime Girlfriend
Dear Abbner,
I've been dating my girlfriend for six months. We're both in our mid 20's. We have a lot of fun, have a lot of things in common, and enjoy each other's company. We kiss and even, you know, do other things, but she is adamant that she is not ready for sex. She admits she isn't a virgin, but says she doesn't want to complicate the relationship with sex.
I'm ready to take the relationship to the next level, but my interpretation of the "next level" doesn't include more cold showers and sleeping alone.
Is there something I can do, some technique or phrase that can help solve this problem?
-Sexless In Saratoga
Dear Sexless,
You have my deepest sympathies.
Unless you happen to be Brad Pitt or George Clooney, the answer is simple.
Dump her.
I know this sounds extreme, and those equipped without a Y chromosome are going to scream, but it's really the only solution.
And I think Brad and George (who have regularly dumped even women who DO have sex with them) would agree.
"She admits she isn't a virgin, but says she doesn't want to complicate the relationship with sex." Let me read that back to you: she isn't against sex, she just doesn't want to have sex with you.
If she never had sex before, it would be a completely different approach. If you were with a 20-something virgin, that's the kind of woman you'd immediately want to take home to mom. After that, a trip to the Smithsonian would be in order, because they are as rare as mastodon fossils. That's not the case here.
Because of the "other things" you two do, it's obviously not a deep moral or religious issue, which would be worthy of respect.
To paraphrase the completely appropriate and applicable title of a sappy chick flick, she's just not that into you. During the first six months of a relationship, a guy is on his absolute best behavior. He just doesn't get any better than this. After six months, a woman knows if she is or isn't attracted to you. Heck, I've been told that a woman makes up her mind whether she's going to do a guy within 60 seconds of meeting him. It's obvious that you've put in the time, but for whatever reason, you aren't that mythical "The One" so many women are unreasonably waiting for.
All this is giving the woman the benefit of the doubt. A darker (and yet not uncommon) reason might be the ultimate in sexual politics. She is holding out for the brass ring of a gold ring. She wants to use her penultimate weapon to goad you into marriage.
If you're up to it, and have a good prenup, this might be a real option. It might be the only way to sample the wares. Unfortunately, it's pretty likely that the sex won't be worth the wait (partly because, like anything in life, you have to practice doing something frequently to acquire any proficiency at it, and partly because it's already pretty clear that she has a libido that's about as active as Mauna Kea, the Hawaiian volcano that last erupted about 3,600 years ago).
My best advice is to move on to someone with whom you are more sexually compatible. "Till death do you part" becomes a much longer sentence when sex is doled out with an eye dropper and a microscope.
^Abbner
If you have a question or need advice with a "male perspective" on relationship issues, behavioral issues, dude etiquette, or the best penmanship techniques for writing your name in the snow with yellow ink, e-mail your questions to dearabbner@yahoo.com.
I've been dating my girlfriend for six months. We're both in our mid 20's. We have a lot of fun, have a lot of things in common, and enjoy each other's company. We kiss and even, you know, do other things, but she is adamant that she is not ready for sex. She admits she isn't a virgin, but says she doesn't want to complicate the relationship with sex.
I'm ready to take the relationship to the next level, but my interpretation of the "next level" doesn't include more cold showers and sleeping alone.
Is there something I can do, some technique or phrase that can help solve this problem?
-Sexless In Saratoga
Dear Sexless,
You have my deepest sympathies.
Unless you happen to be Brad Pitt or George Clooney, the answer is simple.
Dump her.
I know this sounds extreme, and those equipped without a Y chromosome are going to scream, but it's really the only solution.
And I think Brad and George (who have regularly dumped even women who DO have sex with them) would agree.
"She admits she isn't a virgin, but says she doesn't want to complicate the relationship with sex." Let me read that back to you: she isn't against sex, she just doesn't want to have sex with you.
If she never had sex before, it would be a completely different approach. If you were with a 20-something virgin, that's the kind of woman you'd immediately want to take home to mom. After that, a trip to the Smithsonian would be in order, because they are as rare as mastodon fossils. That's not the case here.
Because of the "other things" you two do, it's obviously not a deep moral or religious issue, which would be worthy of respect.
To paraphrase the completely appropriate and applicable title of a sappy chick flick, she's just not that into you. During the first six months of a relationship, a guy is on his absolute best behavior. He just doesn't get any better than this. After six months, a woman knows if she is or isn't attracted to you. Heck, I've been told that a woman makes up her mind whether she's going to do a guy within 60 seconds of meeting him. It's obvious that you've put in the time, but for whatever reason, you aren't that mythical "The One" so many women are unreasonably waiting for.
All this is giving the woman the benefit of the doubt. A darker (and yet not uncommon) reason might be the ultimate in sexual politics. She is holding out for the brass ring of a gold ring. She wants to use her penultimate weapon to goad you into marriage.
If you're up to it, and have a good prenup, this might be a real option. It might be the only way to sample the wares. Unfortunately, it's pretty likely that the sex won't be worth the wait (partly because, like anything in life, you have to practice doing something frequently to acquire any proficiency at it, and partly because it's already pretty clear that she has a libido that's about as active as Mauna Kea, the Hawaiian volcano that last erupted about 3,600 years ago).
My best advice is to move on to someone with whom you are more sexually compatible. "Till death do you part" becomes a much longer sentence when sex is doled out with an eye dropper and a microscope.
^Abbner
If you have a question or need advice with a "male perspective" on relationship issues, behavioral issues, dude etiquette, or the best penmanship techniques for writing your name in the snow with yellow ink, e-mail your questions to dearabbner@yahoo.com.
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