Sex A Non-Starter For Longtime Girlfriend

Dear Abbner,

I've been dating my girlfriend for six months. We're both in our mid 20's. We have a lot of fun, have a lot of things in common, and enjoy each other's company. We kiss and even, you know, do other things, but she is adamant that she is not ready for sex. She admits she isn't a virgin, but says she doesn't want to complicate the relationship with sex.

I'm ready to take the relationship to the next level, but my interpretation of the "next level" doesn't include more cold showers and sleeping alone.

Is there something I can do, some technique or phrase that can help solve this problem?

-Sexless In Saratoga





Dear Sexless,

You have my deepest sympathies.

Unless you happen to be Brad Pitt or George Clooney, the answer is simple.

Dump her.

I know this sounds extreme, and those equipped without a Y chromosome are going to scream, but it's really the only solution.

And I think Brad and George (who have regularly dumped even women who DO have sex with them) would agree.

"She admits she isn't a virgin, but says she doesn't want to complicate the relationship with sex." Let me read that back to you: she isn't against sex, she just doesn't want to have sex with you.

If she never had sex before, it would be a completely different approach. If you were with a 20-something virgin, that's the kind of woman you'd immediately want to take home to mom. After that, a trip to the Smithsonian would be in order, because they are as rare as mastodon fossils. That's not the case here.

Because of the "other things" you two do, it's obviously not a deep moral or religious issue, which would be worthy of respect.

To paraphrase the completely appropriate and applicable title of a sappy chick flick, she's just not that into you. During the first six months of a relationship, a guy is on his absolute best behavior. He just doesn't get any better than this. After six months, a woman knows if she is or isn't attracted to you. Heck, I've been told that a woman makes up her mind whether she's going to do a guy within 60 seconds of meeting him. It's obvious that you've put in the time, but for whatever reason, you aren't that mythical "The One" so many women are unreasonably waiting for.

All this is giving the woman the benefit of the doubt. A darker (and yet not uncommon) reason might be the ultimate in sexual politics. She is holding out for the brass ring of a gold ring. She wants to use her penultimate weapon to goad you into marriage.

If you're up to it, and have a good prenup, this might be a real option. It might be the only way to sample the wares. Unfortunately, it's pretty likely that the sex won't be worth the wait (partly because, like anything in life, you have to practice doing something frequently to acquire any proficiency at it, and partly because it's already pretty clear that she has a libido that's about as active as Mauna Kea, the Hawaiian volcano that last erupted about 3,600 years ago).

My best advice is to move on to someone with whom you are more sexually compatible. "Till death do you part" becomes a much longer sentence when sex is doled out with an eye dropper and a microscope.


^Abbner


If you have a question or need advice with a "male perspective" on relationship issues, behavioral issues, dude etiquette, or the best penmanship techniques for writing your name in the snow with yellow ink, e-mail your questions to dearabbner@yahoo.com.