Dear Abbner,
Beauregard (Bo for short) has been my best friend for 10 years. Wherever I go, Bo rides shotgun. He goes hunting with me, we go fishing together every other weekend, and we never miss an NFL game. (Bo's only fault is that he's an Indianapolis Colts fan, but as his best friend, I try to look past that.)
He's the kind of friend who, no matter who is responsible for the gaseous smell that arises halfway through the third quarter of a Niners game, he'll quietly take the rap for it.
For the last few years, Bo and I have been sleeping together. He's staked out the foot of the bed as his domain, and tends to growl whenever a female visitor tries to take his spot.
I've started to become serious about a girl I met at the tractor pulls a few months ago.
Bo's been slow in warming up to her. He's chewed up three pairs of her underwear in the last week, and wizzed in her purse twice. (She's learned to put her purse on the table these days).
She's hinted that she wants us to take our relationship to the next level, which I suspect means she's tired of riding in the back seat on our trips to the lake.
Any suggestions on how I can get my Chesapeake Bay Retriever to accept my new girlfriend?
-Dogged Out In Dover
Dear Dogged,
Your retriever HAS accepted your woman. He even likes her...how many times have YOU chewed on the panties of a girl you didn't like? Only once, I'll wager.
In Bo's strictly hierarchichal culture, your woman comes in third tier, and whizzing on her belongings shows her this, and rightfully so.
The real question isn't about your retriever accepting your woman. It's about YOU accepting your womans' stepped up relationship interests. I sense ambiguity like a fart in a honeymoon suite. You both know it's there, but nobody's talking about it. Well, leave it up to ol' Bo to bring it up.
Your dog's front seat position is really about your simple batchelor lifestyle vs. the mysteries of life with a woman in it. Better men than you and I have wrestled with this one, so don't expect me to handle it in one column. Suffice to say that if Bo likes her, and he does, though he may prefer Peyton Mannings shorts even more, you could give it a fair trial.
-Ab
Thursday, October 22, 2009
Wednesday, October 14, 2009
Religious Mother-In-Law Wants Him To Go To Hell
Dear Abbner,
My mother-in-law to be hates me. She’s kind of a religious freak, and I’m kind of not. I haven’t seen the inside of a church since I popped out of the baptismal font, but that doesn’t mean I go around cussing around her or taking the Lord’s name in vain. But I’m convinced she thinks I’m evil.
She insults me constantly when I’m around the family, pointing out my bad manners in reaching across the table or in sneaking a bite before we’ve said grace. Thinking I could try and get in her good graces, I spent the entire last two weekends building her a deck off her back door. Her only comment was that I should’ve used Cedar.
My fiancé loves me, but it’s like fighting an uphill battle every day. What should I do?
Pissed in Powhatton
Dear Pissed,
It's times like this that being a Muslim would come in handy. One good fatwah or jihad at the dinner table would probably cure the problem.
In my experience, the only thing holy rollers such as your future mother-in-law love more than hating non-church goers is converting them.
For the next little bit, you SHOULD be cussing around her, taking the Lord's name in vain, and quoting lots of Nietzche. (Religious zealots LOVE it when you say things like "God is dead.")
Then start talking about holding your upcoming wedding in Vegas, or at a beach house with "Reverend Dude" presiding.
Be sure to mention at every family gathering how much you're looking forward to raising your future children as Druids, or that if Scientology is good enough for Suri Cruise, it'll be good enough for your offspring.
If your future mother-in-law can survive 3 weeks without having a petit mal seizure, then start asking innocent questions about her religion.
Let her prosletyze. Feign interest. But don't get sucked in completely. (When she offers to take you to her church, which is inevitable, tell her "I'm sorry, I just don't feel worthy yet, but I appreciate your teachings about the Lord.") Don't worry about offending God. HE knows what a witch this woman is since, after all, HE made her.
Eventually, she'll be telling all her Jimmy Swaggert clubmates how she helped you "see the light." After that, she wouldn't dare say anything negative about her celestial protege.
Eventually, you'll be able to go back to being normal. Just be sure you've memorized the most important phrase in all of Christianity: "I'm a sinner, and need forgiveness." You're going to need that one a lot once you're married. Fortunately, it's better than a "get out of jail free" card.
^Abbner
My mother-in-law to be hates me. She’s kind of a religious freak, and I’m kind of not. I haven’t seen the inside of a church since I popped out of the baptismal font, but that doesn’t mean I go around cussing around her or taking the Lord’s name in vain. But I’m convinced she thinks I’m evil.
She insults me constantly when I’m around the family, pointing out my bad manners in reaching across the table or in sneaking a bite before we’ve said grace. Thinking I could try and get in her good graces, I spent the entire last two weekends building her a deck off her back door. Her only comment was that I should’ve used Cedar.
My fiancé loves me, but it’s like fighting an uphill battle every day. What should I do?
Pissed in Powhatton
Dear Pissed,
It's times like this that being a Muslim would come in handy. One good fatwah or jihad at the dinner table would probably cure the problem.
In my experience, the only thing holy rollers such as your future mother-in-law love more than hating non-church goers is converting them.
For the next little bit, you SHOULD be cussing around her, taking the Lord's name in vain, and quoting lots of Nietzche. (Religious zealots LOVE it when you say things like "God is dead.")
Then start talking about holding your upcoming wedding in Vegas, or at a beach house with "Reverend Dude" presiding.
Be sure to mention at every family gathering how much you're looking forward to raising your future children as Druids, or that if Scientology is good enough for Suri Cruise, it'll be good enough for your offspring.
If your future mother-in-law can survive 3 weeks without having a petit mal seizure, then start asking innocent questions about her religion.
Let her prosletyze. Feign interest. But don't get sucked in completely. (When she offers to take you to her church, which is inevitable, tell her "I'm sorry, I just don't feel worthy yet, but I appreciate your teachings about the Lord.") Don't worry about offending God. HE knows what a witch this woman is since, after all, HE made her.
Eventually, she'll be telling all her Jimmy Swaggert clubmates how she helped you "see the light." After that, she wouldn't dare say anything negative about her celestial protege.
Eventually, you'll be able to go back to being normal. Just be sure you've memorized the most important phrase in all of Christianity: "I'm a sinner, and need forgiveness." You're going to need that one a lot once you're married. Fortunately, it's better than a "get out of jail free" card.
^Abbner
Should Girlfriend Give Him The Boot Over Foot Odor
Dear Abbner,
I don’t know about writing to a male advice columnist about hygiene, but here goes. The guy I’m dating is perfect in every way, except for really bad foot odor. He’s not just a construction worker, he’s more of an artist working with specialized masonry walks and stone fireplaces, but when he takes off his boots at the end of the day, he could knock a dog off a meat wagon.
I’ve tried some subtle hints like asking him to leave his boots outside, but the smell still follows him in. I’m thinking of asking one of our mutual friends, a guy, to mention it to him.
Should I just leave some soap in his boots or what?
Grossed out in Greewich
PS: He’s also got super rough hands. Any advice?
Dear Grossed,
I've reviewed your post three times, and I still can't figure out where the problem is.
For starters, it sounds like you got lucky and found a man's man. If your stone layer came home from work smelling like Drakar Noir, you'd be dealing with a much different problem, like finding an unpleasant answer to the recent disappearances of some of your favorite summer frocks that happen to be in his size.
Or even worse, if he came home from the job smelling like Chanel Number 5 and Pantene.
If the smell is really too much for you to bear, I would recommend the use of Vick's Vapo Rub. It works every time. Simply smear a little bit under each nostril, and you won't smell a thing. I'll leave it up to you to explain to your man why you seem to have a permanent milk mustache.
As far as the rough hands...Count your blessings. I know women who spend a fortune on pumice stones and loofas, since exfoliating seems to be the big buzz-word in skin care. When you need some dead skin cells scraped off, just ask your man for a back rub.
^Abbner
I don’t know about writing to a male advice columnist about hygiene, but here goes. The guy I’m dating is perfect in every way, except for really bad foot odor. He’s not just a construction worker, he’s more of an artist working with specialized masonry walks and stone fireplaces, but when he takes off his boots at the end of the day, he could knock a dog off a meat wagon.
I’ve tried some subtle hints like asking him to leave his boots outside, but the smell still follows him in. I’m thinking of asking one of our mutual friends, a guy, to mention it to him.
Should I just leave some soap in his boots or what?
Grossed out in Greewich
PS: He’s also got super rough hands. Any advice?
Dear Grossed,
I've reviewed your post three times, and I still can't figure out where the problem is.
For starters, it sounds like you got lucky and found a man's man. If your stone layer came home from work smelling like Drakar Noir, you'd be dealing with a much different problem, like finding an unpleasant answer to the recent disappearances of some of your favorite summer frocks that happen to be in his size.
Or even worse, if he came home from the job smelling like Chanel Number 5 and Pantene.
If the smell is really too much for you to bear, I would recommend the use of Vick's Vapo Rub. It works every time. Simply smear a little bit under each nostril, and you won't smell a thing. I'll leave it up to you to explain to your man why you seem to have a permanent milk mustache.
As far as the rough hands...Count your blessings. I know women who spend a fortune on pumice stones and loofas, since exfoliating seems to be the big buzz-word in skin care. When you need some dead skin cells scraped off, just ask your man for a back rub.
^Abbner
Saturday, October 3, 2009
Making A Move(ment) On The Hot Office Girl
Dear Abbner,
I'm a 27 year old statistician with a fairly large insurance firm. I've got one cubicle in a sea of cubicles on the 9'th floor, and I've got two problems. The first one is that I'm super attracted to the office administrative secretary, and I think she likes me, too. I know the old saying, 'Don't poo where you eat', and all my friends tell me to stay away from her. But, I really like her, and I think she's gorgeous.
Also, I have a little Irritable Bowel Syndrome. Not bad, like, not all the time, but a little dairy can make me explosive. Unfortunately, the secretarial desk is directly across from the bathroom. You can't even go in and wash your hands without her hearing it right there. And even if I manage to muffle the sound, that's not always the worst part about it, if you follow me.
Help! Next Friday is Mexican lunch day for us cubicle dwellers and I'm not sure what to do.
-Holding it in Harrisburg
Dear Holdin’,
Outside of professional whorin’, having a relationship at work is the only way to get laid and be paid for it. If the girl is as attractive as you say, then your friends who dissuade you from a relationship with her may not have your best interest at heart. Selfish buggers.
Do work hook ups blow up sometimes? Hell yes! The principal reason for work connections to go nuclear is dishonesty. If you’re straight up about exactly what you want out of the relationship and what it means to you, and you allow her to be honest with you, things should play out o.k. If you act like a jealous bitch whenever you see her giggling at the water cooler, then you get what you deserve…the histrionics and firings can’t be far behind.
As to the IBS - there is no such thing as “a little IBS.” Sounds actually like you’ve got a dairy intolerance. Why don’t you lay off the cheese and sour cream, and only use Lactaid milk for a week or two? You’ll probably stop blowin’ up the bathroom in front of her desk, which will give you a chance to chat to her without your pants smokin’.
In terms of this Friday’s Mexican extravaganza...well, my friend, you’ll have to make a hard choice. Do I want the burrito or do I want the secretary? You’re not gonna get both.
Ab
I'm a 27 year old statistician with a fairly large insurance firm. I've got one cubicle in a sea of cubicles on the 9'th floor, and I've got two problems. The first one is that I'm super attracted to the office administrative secretary, and I think she likes me, too. I know the old saying, 'Don't poo where you eat', and all my friends tell me to stay away from her. But, I really like her, and I think she's gorgeous.
Also, I have a little Irritable Bowel Syndrome. Not bad, like, not all the time, but a little dairy can make me explosive. Unfortunately, the secretarial desk is directly across from the bathroom. You can't even go in and wash your hands without her hearing it right there. And even if I manage to muffle the sound, that's not always the worst part about it, if you follow me.
Help! Next Friday is Mexican lunch day for us cubicle dwellers and I'm not sure what to do.
-Holding it in Harrisburg
Dear Holdin’,
Outside of professional whorin’, having a relationship at work is the only way to get laid and be paid for it. If the girl is as attractive as you say, then your friends who dissuade you from a relationship with her may not have your best interest at heart. Selfish buggers.
Do work hook ups blow up sometimes? Hell yes! The principal reason for work connections to go nuclear is dishonesty. If you’re straight up about exactly what you want out of the relationship and what it means to you, and you allow her to be honest with you, things should play out o.k. If you act like a jealous bitch whenever you see her giggling at the water cooler, then you get what you deserve…the histrionics and firings can’t be far behind.
As to the IBS - there is no such thing as “a little IBS.” Sounds actually like you’ve got a dairy intolerance. Why don’t you lay off the cheese and sour cream, and only use Lactaid milk for a week or two? You’ll probably stop blowin’ up the bathroom in front of her desk, which will give you a chance to chat to her without your pants smokin’.
In terms of this Friday’s Mexican extravaganza...well, my friend, you’ll have to make a hard choice. Do I want the burrito or do I want the secretary? You’re not gonna get both.
Ab
Friday, October 2, 2009
When is sex okay after surgery?
Dear Abbner,
My wife recently had that, you know, female surgery.
How long should I wait before slipping some extra pills into her pain medication bottle and proceeding to do the Humpty dance? Is the proper ettiquette to wait until she's out of the hospital first? (I gotta tell you, those automatic push-button hospital beds really get my imagination percolating, and I hate wasting the opportunity).
Thanks.
-Sore-handed In Seattle
Dear Sore,
Some may call you a self-absorbed cad. But I see the selfless physical therapy you are offering your lady, and I commend you for it. I don't think the roofie's will be strictly necessary or advisable. It is not your wife who will be anxious, it is her nether regions. You must treat the Vagina like a tiger cub: gently, playfully but ever cautiously.
As to the timing, you must never fornicate in the hospital! Leave that to the staff, who are trained professionals and do it all the time.
Strictly speaking, your wife's unit is out of action for 6 weeks. In one of nature's cruel jokes, during these 6 weeks, many post-hysterectomy patients find their libidos cranked higher than ever. This is how God toys with us, and proves even beyond the Washington Redskins, that she has a sense of humor.
But, nothing inside the canoe, doesn't mean nothing around or on the canoe. Use your imagination and pubescent memories.
Rest assured that when the 6 weeks are up and she is cleared for action, most married women return to their normal married sex drive. Which is to say none at all.
-Abbner
My wife recently had that, you know, female surgery.
How long should I wait before slipping some extra pills into her pain medication bottle and proceeding to do the Humpty dance? Is the proper ettiquette to wait until she's out of the hospital first? (I gotta tell you, those automatic push-button hospital beds really get my imagination percolating, and I hate wasting the opportunity).
Thanks.
-Sore-handed In Seattle
Dear Sore,
Some may call you a self-absorbed cad. But I see the selfless physical therapy you are offering your lady, and I commend you for it. I don't think the roofie's will be strictly necessary or advisable. It is not your wife who will be anxious, it is her nether regions. You must treat the Vagina like a tiger cub: gently, playfully but ever cautiously.
As to the timing, you must never fornicate in the hospital! Leave that to the staff, who are trained professionals and do it all the time.
Strictly speaking, your wife's unit is out of action for 6 weeks. In one of nature's cruel jokes, during these 6 weeks, many post-hysterectomy patients find their libidos cranked higher than ever. This is how God toys with us, and proves even beyond the Washington Redskins, that she has a sense of humor.
But, nothing inside the canoe, doesn't mean nothing around or on the canoe. Use your imagination and pubescent memories.
Rest assured that when the 6 weeks are up and she is cleared for action, most married women return to their normal married sex drive. Which is to say none at all.
-Abbner
Welcome
Welcome to "Dear Abbner."
This is the place where you can get the "male perspective" on relationship issues, behavioral issues, dude ettiquette, and the best penmanship techniques for writing your name in the snow with yellow ink.
So send in your questions about anything, and Abbner will explain things in ways that Dear Abby never imagined.
^Abbner
This is the place where you can get the "male perspective" on relationship issues, behavioral issues, dude ettiquette, and the best penmanship techniques for writing your name in the snow with yellow ink.
So send in your questions about anything, and Abbner will explain things in ways that Dear Abby never imagined.
^Abbner
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