Making A Move(ment) On The Hot Office Girl

Dear Abbner,


I'm a 27 year old statistician with a fairly large insurance firm. I've got one cubicle in a sea of cubicles on the 9'th floor, and I've got two problems. The first one is that I'm super attracted to the office administrative secretary, and I think she likes me, too. I know the old saying, 'Don't poo where you eat', and all my friends tell me to stay away from her. But, I really like her, and I think she's gorgeous.


Also, I have a little Irritable Bowel Syndrome. Not bad, like, not all the time, but a little dairy can make me explosive. Unfortunately, the secretarial desk is directly across from the bathroom. You can't even go in and wash your hands without her hearing it right there. And even if I manage to muffle the sound, that's not always the worst part about it, if you follow me.


Help! Next Friday is Mexican lunch day for us cubicle dwellers and I'm not sure what to do.


-Holding it in Harrisburg



Dear Holdin’,

Outside of professional whorin’, having a relationship at work is the only way to get laid and be paid for it. If the girl is as attractive as you say, then your friends who dissuade you from a relationship with her may not have your best interest at heart. Selfish buggers.

Do work hook ups blow up sometimes? Hell yes! The principal reason for work connections to go nuclear is dishonesty. If you’re straight up about exactly what you want out of the relationship and what it means to you, and you allow her to be honest with you, things should play out o.k. If you act like a jealous bitch whenever you see her giggling at the water cooler, then you get what you deserve…the histrionics and firings can’t be far behind.

As to the IBS - there is no such thing as “a little IBS.” Sounds actually like you’ve got a dairy intolerance. Why don’t you lay off the cheese and sour cream, and only use Lactaid milk for a week or two? You’ll probably stop blowin’ up the bathroom in front of her desk, which will give you a chance to chat to her without your pants smokin’.

In terms of this Friday’s Mexican extravaganza...well, my friend, you’ll have to make a hard choice. Do I want the burrito or do I want the secretary? You’re not gonna get both.

Ab