Dear Abbner,
My husband is becoming a couch potato. Every weekend, he spends nearly every hour on the sofa in front of one sporting event after the other. Whenever I suggest we go out, he has some game on the schedule that just can't be missed. What's worse, he expects me to be the in-house waitress during these televised events, fetching him sodas and beers and snacks.
I love him, but I'm reaching my level of frustration with this behavior. I didn't marry the NFL or the NBA, I married a man who occasionally liked to leave the house once in a while.
Do you have any hints on how to blast my hubby out of his man cave?
-Sports Hater In Spokane
Dear Sports Hater,
I'm always surprised when I hear this complaint, particularly when I hear it after someone else just filled my ear with tales about their husband or boyfriend spending all their time at the bar.
First, let me give you a variation on an old Public Service Announcement that used to play on local television channels back when there were only three channels:
"It's 11 p.m. Do you know where your husband is?"
In your case, thankfully, the answer is a consistent "yes."
Instead of being MIA every Saturday night, you know where your man is. Obviously he loves you and is devoted to you. He's not looking for excuses to hang out at the pub, and you have no worries about who he is seeing on the side. Major pluses in any relationship.
It's a statistical fact that couch potatoes are 93% less likely to cheat on their spouses than men who spend their weekends out with the guys doing "manly" stuff like watching sporting events at strip clubs and nudie bars, according to a recently completed study of Jerry Springer and Maury Povich episodes.
Nag your husband enough and I'm sure he will accommodate you by taking his passion for football, basketball, baseball, and NASCAR to the nearest sports bar. Not only will you get the reward of seeing less of your husband, you'll also enjoy the thrill of seeing more of your household budget spent on $7 beers.
As for serving your loved one drinks and snacks, let me ask you this: would you prefer that some other woman fawn over him, be nice to him, offer him kind words, make him feel better about himself and his life, and make him feel extremely important, all while bringing an endless stream of drinks and snacks to his lap? If you would rather that someone else handle these tasks, then maybe the problem isn't with him, and the issues run a lot deeper than a World Series game with extra innings.
It sounds like what you truly want is for him to stop watching sports, stop participating in something that he enjoys, that he give up something that gives him pleasure. It will make you happier for him to be less happy. These aren't the desires of someone who REALLY loves her husband.
Your insistence that you don't want to be the house waitress is a fair one, and easily solved. At your nearest Walmart, they have these little mini-refrigerators, usually trimmed in dark brown. You can buy two and put one at each end of the sofa. They already look like end tables, so simply place lamps on them, cover them with doilies and magazines, and nobody will notice the difference, while your husband will be able to get his treats for himself. If you REALLY loved your husband, you'd make one of them a Kegerator, which has a keg of Coors inside and a beer tap on top. (Put a lampshade on top of the beer tap and everyone will simply think it's just another table lamp with a burnt-out bulb.) THAT is true love.
Finally, it's fair for you to want your husband to take you out on a date. Tell him so. To prime the pump, schedule a night out during the week. (You'll find restaurants and theaters a lot less crowded on a Tuesday night, and there is less chance of conflicting with NFL or NASCAR). At that dinner, let him know you'd like him to take you out more often. Also, remind him that sex is a participatory activity, but may become more of a spectator sport for him if he doesn't change his behavior.
The only caveat is, if the date he plans happens to be at the ballpark or track, don't bitch. At least you're out of the house, and you're not the one walking up and down the aisles yelling "Peanuts! Popcorn! Hot Dogs!" It's not a perfect solution, but it's a start.
^Abbner
If you have a question or need advice with a "male perspective" on relationship issues, behavioral issues, dude etiquette, or the best penmanship techniques for writing your name in the snow with yellow ink, e-mail your questions to dearabbner@yahoo.com.
Saturday, October 29, 2011
Saturday, October 22, 2011
Getting Out Of The Friend Zone
Dear Abbner,
I have a classic male problem. I went out with this girl a few times, and we had a blast. We've done dinner, movies, and just fun outings. Each outing ended with a kiss, and I can tell you she is unquestionably the best kisser I've ever known. If kissing were an Olympic sport, she would win the gold in the 60-second and freestyle events. Afterwards, I could take the silver in board breaking, if you know what I mean.
The problem is that I really like this girl, and feel like we have chemistry. I want to take it to the next level. (This is an indicator of how much I like this girl...in one paragraph, I've used two corny Nora Roberts-like phrases. I'm also losing Guy Points because I happen to know who Nora Roberts is.)
Unfortunately, I have somehow found myself in the "Friend Zone." On our last date, she let me know that she really liked me, but that she didn't want to mess up the friendship by becoming a couple. She also said that I was a "nice guy." About the only thing missing from the conversation was the "it's not you, it's me" thing.
I've read that persistence is one of the keys to getting the things you want. Should I continue pursuing this relationship? Or just be satisfied with being a friend without benefits?
-Zoned in Arizona
Dear Zoned,
Since the dawn of time, men have been explorers. We have set sail on leaky ships in search of foreign lands. We have discovered new continents, and traversed them on nearly every organic and mechanical conveyance. With the right training (watching more than three episodes of Bear Grylls on "Man vs. Wild") you can strap a parachute on us and kick us out of a moving airplane armed with nothing but a machete and a camera crew and we'll manage to slash and hack our way out of the densest jungle.
However, not even the beloved Bass Pro Shops have ever sold a map, compass, and GPS gift set that can help a male navigate his way out of the Friend Zone. Mostly because it is not now and has never been our choice. I suspect that even in the prehistoric days of large, furry Neanderthals holding a club in one hand and dragging a mate by the hair with the other, it was the woman making the decision as to who she would give her hair to.
I would love to tell you not to give up, because that's how we as a species and gender have achieved so many great accomplishments, like the George Foreman Grill (blessings be upon his name and left hook).
In Nora Roberts novels, that pursuit is called persistence, and is rewarded with true love in the end.
Unfortunately, in today's real world, it results in a ride in the back of a police car and a stalking conviction. This has been researched thoroughly and reported extensively in the weekly relationship documentary "Cops."
If you think you can successfully navigate the hedge maze known as the Friend Zone, I want you to remember how things ended up for Jack Nicholson in the Stephen King movie "The Shining." If someone as uber cool and suave as Jack winds up dead with his eyes open while covered in snow and ice, what chance do we mere mortals have?
But if you're intent on trying to do the impossible, here is something to try:
Stock up on alcohol. Try to incorporate it into any date, outing, and hanging-out session. Nothing cuts through the inhibitions like therapy sessions with Jack Daniels.
It probably won't change her mind, but it might get her inebriated enough to do something stupid, like sleep with you. Some girls get so hung up on the sex thing that the next morning they'll convince themselves they really ARE in love with you rather than cop to copulation without emotion.
Yes this sounds barbaric, and definitely won't result in what you really want, which is a deeper relationship. However, it at least gets you out of the Friend Zone and back in the game.
My best advice is to be happy you have a new friend, and put yourself back on the market. The danger in your situation is becoming so obsessed with the unattainable that you wind up ignoring other opportunities, like the cute girl at work who always spends a few extra seconds talking to you about the Niners. You're so focused on attaining an exclusive on Angelina Jolie's lips that you fail to realize Miss Reception Counter 2011 has been studying the book "Prevent Defense For Dummies" every night just to capture an additional 30 seconds of your attention the next day. Oh, and asking her pals how she can move out of YOUR "Friend Zone."
^Abbner
If you have a question or need advice with a "male perspective" on relationship issues, behavioral issues, dude etiquette, or the best penmanship techniques for writing your name in the snow with yellow ink, e-mail your questions to dearabbner@yahoo.com.
I have a classic male problem. I went out with this girl a few times, and we had a blast. We've done dinner, movies, and just fun outings. Each outing ended with a kiss, and I can tell you she is unquestionably the best kisser I've ever known. If kissing were an Olympic sport, she would win the gold in the 60-second and freestyle events. Afterwards, I could take the silver in board breaking, if you know what I mean.
The problem is that I really like this girl, and feel like we have chemistry. I want to take it to the next level. (This is an indicator of how much I like this girl...in one paragraph, I've used two corny Nora Roberts-like phrases. I'm also losing Guy Points because I happen to know who Nora Roberts is.)
Unfortunately, I have somehow found myself in the "Friend Zone." On our last date, she let me know that she really liked me, but that she didn't want to mess up the friendship by becoming a couple. She also said that I was a "nice guy." About the only thing missing from the conversation was the "it's not you, it's me" thing.
I've read that persistence is one of the keys to getting the things you want. Should I continue pursuing this relationship? Or just be satisfied with being a friend without benefits?
-Zoned in Arizona
Dear Zoned,
Since the dawn of time, men have been explorers. We have set sail on leaky ships in search of foreign lands. We have discovered new continents, and traversed them on nearly every organic and mechanical conveyance. With the right training (watching more than three episodes of Bear Grylls on "Man vs. Wild") you can strap a parachute on us and kick us out of a moving airplane armed with nothing but a machete and a camera crew and we'll manage to slash and hack our way out of the densest jungle.
However, not even the beloved Bass Pro Shops have ever sold a map, compass, and GPS gift set that can help a male navigate his way out of the Friend Zone. Mostly because it is not now and has never been our choice. I suspect that even in the prehistoric days of large, furry Neanderthals holding a club in one hand and dragging a mate by the hair with the other, it was the woman making the decision as to who she would give her hair to.
I would love to tell you not to give up, because that's how we as a species and gender have achieved so many great accomplishments, like the George Foreman Grill (blessings be upon his name and left hook).
In Nora Roberts novels, that pursuit is called persistence, and is rewarded with true love in the end.
Unfortunately, in today's real world, it results in a ride in the back of a police car and a stalking conviction. This has been researched thoroughly and reported extensively in the weekly relationship documentary "Cops."
If you think you can successfully navigate the hedge maze known as the Friend Zone, I want you to remember how things ended up for Jack Nicholson in the Stephen King movie "The Shining." If someone as uber cool and suave as Jack winds up dead with his eyes open while covered in snow and ice, what chance do we mere mortals have?
But if you're intent on trying to do the impossible, here is something to try:
Stock up on alcohol. Try to incorporate it into any date, outing, and hanging-out session. Nothing cuts through the inhibitions like therapy sessions with Jack Daniels.
It probably won't change her mind, but it might get her inebriated enough to do something stupid, like sleep with you. Some girls get so hung up on the sex thing that the next morning they'll convince themselves they really ARE in love with you rather than cop to copulation without emotion.
Yes this sounds barbaric, and definitely won't result in what you really want, which is a deeper relationship. However, it at least gets you out of the Friend Zone and back in the game.
My best advice is to be happy you have a new friend, and put yourself back on the market. The danger in your situation is becoming so obsessed with the unattainable that you wind up ignoring other opportunities, like the cute girl at work who always spends a few extra seconds talking to you about the Niners. You're so focused on attaining an exclusive on Angelina Jolie's lips that you fail to realize Miss Reception Counter 2011 has been studying the book "Prevent Defense For Dummies" every night just to capture an additional 30 seconds of your attention the next day. Oh, and asking her pals how she can move out of YOUR "Friend Zone."
^Abbner
If you have a question or need advice with a "male perspective" on relationship issues, behavioral issues, dude etiquette, or the best penmanship techniques for writing your name in the snow with yellow ink, e-mail your questions to dearabbner@yahoo.com.
Saturday, October 15, 2011
Surviving Chick Flicks
Dear Abbner,
My girlfriend and I have a great relationship. We agree on most things, and don't argue much over the things we don't agree on.
However, there is one area where we are completely incompatible, and it's starting to create friction that isn't going away.
I like all kinds of movies except one: chick flicks. (Or, for the more politically correct, "RomComs.")
If Katherine Heigl made a video that featured two hours of picking her nose, my girlfriend would insist we see it twice and buy three copies of the DVD.
Lately our weekly dates have turned into battle grounds, and nobody comes away unbloodied (which would be great if we were watching one of the movies I want to see, where blood is welcomed and encouraged).
Are you aware of any 12-step programs that might help get my girl free of her addiction to sap (as in sappy movies, not her boyfriend the sap)?
-Living In Heigl Hell
Dear Living,
This is a predicament.
You're asking me how to change the directions of the tides, or how to make the Earth spin in a different direction.
Unmarried women crave movies about other unmarried women becoming married women. That's a definitive, unchangeable fact that is more certain than whether Pluto qualifies as a planet.
But before you're forced to run off and enroll in the Renee Zellweger fan club, you have some options.
First, sidestep the theater.
To be honest, movie dates are the province of a lazy boyfriend, someone without the imagination and energy to come up with something different.
Plan dates that don't revolve around Hollywood's weekly offering of uninspired drivel. To be sure, the date can't be anything fun like bowling, fishing, hunting, car races, poker, or the strip club. And that's okay, otherwise, you wouldn't have anything left to do with your male buddies.
However, you can come up with something innovative that she'll like. Usually, anything with horses that doesn't involve a track or a $2 window will work, like horseback riding, a visit to a petting zoo, or a trip to anywhere in a horse-drawn carriage. (I believe a guy could pull off the unthinkable, the holy grail - getting his girl to accompany him to a strip club - if he took her there in a horse-pulled handsome cab.)
Consuming food in a romantic setting is also a consistent winner. Anything from a fancy restaurant down to a simple picnic in a quiet meadow is considered romantic. (A woman once shared one of the "secrets of the sisterhood" with me on this topic. Basically, a woman loves any meal, anywhere, as long as she doesn't have to cook it.)
If you can withstand torture that rivals the most insipid Jennifer Aniston RomCom, you always have the option of a date at a museum, art gallery, or craft show. Women always claim they enjoy the culture, but I believe it's really just faux shopping.
Should you run out of ideas for inspiring dates, do what your girlfriend is doing: watch the chick flick. But not as entertainment. Watch it the way she does - as an instruction manual. Just like your Saturday morning in front of the TV watching Roland Martin's fishing show, she's learning techniques on how to hook and gaffe you for that inevitable trip down the aisle. For you, a chick flick will be an instruction manual on cool date scenarios. The next time you are forced to spend 90 minutes watching Cameron Diaz pretend (badly) that she has trouble getting a man, take notes. There will be at least two examples of killer date ideas you can scarf.
And finally, if all else fails...
Marry the girl.
It's the only known cure for the disease.
For some reason, once a woman gets married, RomComs lose a lot of their allure. It seems a married woman's taste often turns more toward thrillers and murder mysteries, particularly those that feature plotlines where the cad of a husband takes a sightseeing trip through the wood chipper. I'm not exactly sure why.
The most important thing to remember is that dating is about pleasing her, not yourself. (That's what your own collection of "movies" stashed behind the bookshelf is for.)
^Abbner
If you have a question or need advice with a "male perspective" on relationship issues, behavioral issues, dude etiquette, or the best penmanship techniques for writing your name in the snow with yellow ink, e-mail your questions to dearabbner@yahoo.com.
My girlfriend and I have a great relationship. We agree on most things, and don't argue much over the things we don't agree on.
However, there is one area where we are completely incompatible, and it's starting to create friction that isn't going away.
I like all kinds of movies except one: chick flicks. (Or, for the more politically correct, "RomComs.")
If Katherine Heigl made a video that featured two hours of picking her nose, my girlfriend would insist we see it twice and buy three copies of the DVD.
Lately our weekly dates have turned into battle grounds, and nobody comes away unbloodied (which would be great if we were watching one of the movies I want to see, where blood is welcomed and encouraged).
Are you aware of any 12-step programs that might help get my girl free of her addiction to sap (as in sappy movies, not her boyfriend the sap)?
-Living In Heigl Hell
Dear Living,
This is a predicament.
You're asking me how to change the directions of the tides, or how to make the Earth spin in a different direction.
Unmarried women crave movies about other unmarried women becoming married women. That's a definitive, unchangeable fact that is more certain than whether Pluto qualifies as a planet.
But before you're forced to run off and enroll in the Renee Zellweger fan club, you have some options.
First, sidestep the theater.
To be honest, movie dates are the province of a lazy boyfriend, someone without the imagination and energy to come up with something different.
Plan dates that don't revolve around Hollywood's weekly offering of uninspired drivel. To be sure, the date can't be anything fun like bowling, fishing, hunting, car races, poker, or the strip club. And that's okay, otherwise, you wouldn't have anything left to do with your male buddies.
However, you can come up with something innovative that she'll like. Usually, anything with horses that doesn't involve a track or a $2 window will work, like horseback riding, a visit to a petting zoo, or a trip to anywhere in a horse-drawn carriage. (I believe a guy could pull off the unthinkable, the holy grail - getting his girl to accompany him to a strip club - if he took her there in a horse-pulled handsome cab.)
Consuming food in a romantic setting is also a consistent winner. Anything from a fancy restaurant down to a simple picnic in a quiet meadow is considered romantic. (A woman once shared one of the "secrets of the sisterhood" with me on this topic. Basically, a woman loves any meal, anywhere, as long as she doesn't have to cook it.)
If you can withstand torture that rivals the most insipid Jennifer Aniston RomCom, you always have the option of a date at a museum, art gallery, or craft show. Women always claim they enjoy the culture, but I believe it's really just faux shopping.
Should you run out of ideas for inspiring dates, do what your girlfriend is doing: watch the chick flick. But not as entertainment. Watch it the way she does - as an instruction manual. Just like your Saturday morning in front of the TV watching Roland Martin's fishing show, she's learning techniques on how to hook and gaffe you for that inevitable trip down the aisle. For you, a chick flick will be an instruction manual on cool date scenarios. The next time you are forced to spend 90 minutes watching Cameron Diaz pretend (badly) that she has trouble getting a man, take notes. There will be at least two examples of killer date ideas you can scarf.
And finally, if all else fails...
Marry the girl.
It's the only known cure for the disease.
For some reason, once a woman gets married, RomComs lose a lot of their allure. It seems a married woman's taste often turns more toward thrillers and murder mysteries, particularly those that feature plotlines where the cad of a husband takes a sightseeing trip through the wood chipper. I'm not exactly sure why.
The most important thing to remember is that dating is about pleasing her, not yourself. (That's what your own collection of "movies" stashed behind the bookshelf is for.)
^Abbner
If you have a question or need advice with a "male perspective" on relationship issues, behavioral issues, dude etiquette, or the best penmanship techniques for writing your name in the snow with yellow ink, e-mail your questions to dearabbner@yahoo.com.
Saturday, October 8, 2011
Mr. Right Isn't Mr. Perfect
Dear Abbner,
I'm a thirty-something single girl looking for a guy to share my life with. I've been single for almost two years.
I've dated, and let me tell you I've found every cretin and lowlife this zip code has to offer. I've covered the spectrum, including guys who still live with their mom, guys who are unemployed, guys who don't have a car, guys who think haute couture is a t-shirt with a band name or a pithy saying like "Got Beer?" on the front, guys who want to spend the entire date talking about Cal Ripken's batting average, and my all time favorite, guys who think they're worldly because they "go Dutch" on every date.
How and where do I find a decent guy in this day and age?
-Dateless In Dubuque
Dear Dateless,
This is an easy one, and requires a simple, three word answer:
Lower. Your. Standards.
You're easily discarding some potential keepers because of preconceived notions and guidance from other females who will turn up their noses at any guy who doesn't happen to be George Clooney (who, by the way, as an actor is unemployed about four months out of every year).
Look deeper.
A guy who still lives with his mom is obviously a caring, warm guy to whom family is very important.
If having a guy with a job is critical, you've just ruled out about 10-13% of the male population, depending on the most recent federal statistics and where you happen to live. Also, think of it this way: if a guy doesn't have a job, yet he's still willing to spend some of his extremely limited coin on you, he sounds like a keeper.
Now guys with band names on their shirts are actually a boon for you. Don't think of them as shirts, think of them as labels to help in your decision-making. For example, if it's a cool vintage band like Aerosmith, Van Halen, or the Rolling Stones, the dude has taste, like one of those snooty toads in the soap operas who know which wine to pick based on what year they were bottled. If the shirt hawks Eminem or 50-cent, beware because he's going to have issues with bitches and ho's. And if it features Air Supply or N'Sync, simply fix him up with Steve, your friend from the salon.
If your date is spouting batting averages and free-throw percentages, sink your hooks deep into him and don't let go. For starters, it shows he's loyal. Also, a good memory means fewer forgotten birthdays and anniversaries for you.
As for the dudes who "go Dutch," meaning you pay for your own meal and he pays for his: you've actually hit the jackpot. He's sensitive to women's causes that insist females should be treated as equals. Also, he's good with money, a real plus for potential husbands. He's also telling you that he's a gentleman and not expecting sex at the end of the date in exchange for that surf and turf on your plate.
As for where to find guys, datable dudes are everywhere. You can't sling a dead cat without hitting one, as long as you don't work for a day care center or Headline News.
Bars can be a target-rich environment, as long as it's one that doesn't feature Karaoke or line dancing. Car races and tractor pulls are good bait boxes, as are gun shows. Sporting events that involve physical contact like football, baseball, basketball, and NASCAR are good, but figure skating and gymastics will be a waste of your time. Also, avoid churches. (Men attend, but usually only after being forced into it by an insistent spouse or girlfriend, or if still paying penance and seeking forgiveness after the LAST relationship).
Dress well, have fun, and don't be so judgmental. Let down your guard and open yourself to new experiences. Remember that "Mr. Right" doesn't have to be "Mr. Perfect."
^Abbner
I'm a thirty-something single girl looking for a guy to share my life with. I've been single for almost two years.
I've dated, and let me tell you I've found every cretin and lowlife this zip code has to offer. I've covered the spectrum, including guys who still live with their mom, guys who are unemployed, guys who don't have a car, guys who think haute couture is a t-shirt with a band name or a pithy saying like "Got Beer?" on the front, guys who want to spend the entire date talking about Cal Ripken's batting average, and my all time favorite, guys who think they're worldly because they "go Dutch" on every date.
How and where do I find a decent guy in this day and age?
-Dateless In Dubuque
Dear Dateless,
This is an easy one, and requires a simple, three word answer:
Lower. Your. Standards.
You're easily discarding some potential keepers because of preconceived notions and guidance from other females who will turn up their noses at any guy who doesn't happen to be George Clooney (who, by the way, as an actor is unemployed about four months out of every year).
Look deeper.
A guy who still lives with his mom is obviously a caring, warm guy to whom family is very important.
If having a guy with a job is critical, you've just ruled out about 10-13% of the male population, depending on the most recent federal statistics and where you happen to live. Also, think of it this way: if a guy doesn't have a job, yet he's still willing to spend some of his extremely limited coin on you, he sounds like a keeper.
Now guys with band names on their shirts are actually a boon for you. Don't think of them as shirts, think of them as labels to help in your decision-making. For example, if it's a cool vintage band like Aerosmith, Van Halen, or the Rolling Stones, the dude has taste, like one of those snooty toads in the soap operas who know which wine to pick based on what year they were bottled. If the shirt hawks Eminem or 50-cent, beware because he's going to have issues with bitches and ho's. And if it features Air Supply or N'Sync, simply fix him up with Steve, your friend from the salon.
If your date is spouting batting averages and free-throw percentages, sink your hooks deep into him and don't let go. For starters, it shows he's loyal. Also, a good memory means fewer forgotten birthdays and anniversaries for you.
As for the dudes who "go Dutch," meaning you pay for your own meal and he pays for his: you've actually hit the jackpot. He's sensitive to women's causes that insist females should be treated as equals. Also, he's good with money, a real plus for potential husbands. He's also telling you that he's a gentleman and not expecting sex at the end of the date in exchange for that surf and turf on your plate.
As for where to find guys, datable dudes are everywhere. You can't sling a dead cat without hitting one, as long as you don't work for a day care center or Headline News.
Bars can be a target-rich environment, as long as it's one that doesn't feature Karaoke or line dancing. Car races and tractor pulls are good bait boxes, as are gun shows. Sporting events that involve physical contact like football, baseball, basketball, and NASCAR are good, but figure skating and gymastics will be a waste of your time. Also, avoid churches. (Men attend, but usually only after being forced into it by an insistent spouse or girlfriend, or if still paying penance and seeking forgiveness after the LAST relationship).
Dress well, have fun, and don't be so judgmental. Let down your guard and open yourself to new experiences. Remember that "Mr. Right" doesn't have to be "Mr. Perfect."
^Abbner
If you have a question or need advice with a "male perspective" on relationship issues, behavioral issues, dude etiquette, or the best penmanship techniques for writing your name in the snow with yellow ink, e-mail your questions to dearabbner@yahoo.com.
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