Getting Out Of The Friend Zone

Dear Abbner,

I have a classic male problem. I went out with this girl a few times, and we had a blast. We've done dinner, movies, and just fun outings. Each outing ended with a kiss, and I can tell you she is unquestionably the best kisser I've ever known. If kissing were an Olympic sport, she would win the gold in the 60-second and freestyle events. Afterwards, I could take the silver in board breaking, if you know what I mean.

The problem is that I really like this girl, and feel like we have chemistry. I want to take it to the next level. (This is an indicator of how much I like this girl...in one paragraph, I've used two corny Nora Roberts-like phrases. I'm also losing Guy Points because I happen to know who Nora Roberts is.)

Unfortunately, I have somehow found myself in the "Friend Zone." On our last date, she let me know that she really liked me, but that she didn't want to mess up the friendship by becoming a couple. She also said that I was a "nice guy." About the only thing missing from the conversation was the "it's not you, it's me" thing.

I've read that persistence is one of the keys to getting the things you want. Should I continue pursuing this relationship? Or just be satisfied with being a friend without benefits?

 -Zoned in Arizona





Dear Zoned,


Since the dawn of time, men have been explorers. We have set sail on leaky ships in search of foreign lands. We have discovered new continents, and traversed them on nearly every organic and mechanical conveyance. With the right training (watching more than three episodes of Bear Grylls on "Man vs. Wild") you can strap a parachute on us and kick us out of a moving airplane armed with nothing but a machete and a camera crew and we'll manage to slash and hack our way out of the densest jungle.

However, not even the beloved Bass Pro Shops have ever sold a map, compass, and GPS gift set that can help a male navigate his way out of the Friend Zone. Mostly because it is not now and has never been our choice. I suspect that even in the prehistoric days of large, furry Neanderthals holding a club in one hand and dragging a mate by the hair with the other, it was the woman making the decision as to who she would give her hair to.

I would love to tell you not to give up, because that's how we as a species and gender have achieved so many great accomplishments, like the George Foreman Grill (blessings be upon his name and left hook).

In Nora Roberts novels, that pursuit is called persistence, and is rewarded with true love in the end.


Unfortunately, in today's real world, it results in a ride in the back of a police car and a stalking conviction. This has been researched thoroughly and reported extensively in the weekly relationship documentary "Cops."

If you think you can successfully navigate the hedge maze known as the Friend Zone, I want you to remember how things ended up for Jack Nicholson in the Stephen King movie "The Shining." If someone as uber cool and suave as Jack winds up dead with his eyes open while covered in snow and ice, what chance do we mere mortals have?

But if you're intent on trying to do the impossible, here is something to try:

Stock up on alcohol. Try to incorporate it into any date, outing, and hanging-out session. Nothing cuts through the inhibitions like therapy sessions with Jack Daniels.

It probably won't change her mind, but it might get her inebriated enough to do something stupid, like sleep with you. Some girls get so hung up on the sex thing that the next morning they'll convince themselves they really ARE in love with you rather than cop to copulation without emotion.


Yes this sounds barbaric, and definitely won't result in what you really want, which is a deeper relationship. However, it at least gets you out of the Friend Zone and back in the game.


My best advice is to be happy you have a new friend, and put yourself back on the market. The danger in your situation is becoming so obsessed with the unattainable that you wind up ignoring other opportunities, like the cute girl at work who always spends a few extra seconds talking to you about the Niners. You're so focused on attaining an exclusive on Angelina Jolie's lips that you fail to realize Miss Reception Counter 2011 has been studying the book "Prevent Defense For Dummies" every night just to capture an additional 30 seconds of your attention the next day. Oh, and asking her pals how she can move out of YOUR "Friend Zone."


^Abbner



If you have a question or need advice with a "male perspective" on relationship issues, behavioral issues, dude etiquette, or the best penmanship techniques for writing your name in the snow with yellow ink, e-mail your questions to dearabbner@yahoo.com.