Husband Becoming Couch Potato

Dear Abbner,

My husband is becoming a couch potato. Every weekend, he spends nearly every hour on the sofa in front of one sporting event after the other. Whenever I suggest we go out, he has some game on the schedule that just can't be missed. What's worse, he expects me to be the in-house waitress during these televised events, fetching him sodas and beers and snacks.

I love him, but I'm reaching my level of frustration with this behavior. I didn't marry the NFL or the NBA, I married a man who occasionally liked to leave the house once in a while.

Do you have any hints on how to blast my hubby out of his man cave?

-Sports Hater In Spokane



Dear Sports Hater,

I'm always surprised when I hear this complaint, particularly when I hear it after someone else just filled my ear with tales about their husband or boyfriend spending all their time at the bar.

First, let me give you a variation on an old Public Service Announcement that used to play on local television channels back when there were only three channels:

"It's 11 p.m. Do you know where your husband is?"

In your case, thankfully, the answer is a consistent "yes."

Instead of being MIA every Saturday night, you know where your man is. Obviously he loves you and is devoted to you. He's not looking for excuses to hang out at the pub, and you have no worries about who he is seeing on the side. Major pluses in any relationship.

It's a statistical fact that couch potatoes are 93% less likely to cheat on their spouses than men who spend their weekends out with the guys doing "manly" stuff like watching sporting events at strip clubs and nudie bars, according to a recently completed study of Jerry Springer and Maury Povich episodes.

Nag your husband enough and I'm sure he will accommodate you by taking his passion for football, basketball, baseball, and NASCAR to the nearest sports bar. Not only will you get the reward of seeing less of your husband, you'll also enjoy the thrill of seeing more of your household budget spent on $7 beers.

As for serving your loved one drinks and snacks, let me ask you this: would you prefer that some other woman fawn over him, be nice to him, offer him kind words, make him feel better about himself and his life, and make him feel extremely important, all while bringing an endless stream of drinks and snacks to his lap? If you would rather that someone else handle these tasks, then maybe the problem isn't with him, and the issues run a lot deeper than a World Series game with extra innings.

It sounds like what you truly want is for him to stop watching sports, stop participating in something that he enjoys, that he give up something that gives him pleasure. It will make you happier for him to be less happy. These aren't the desires of someone who REALLY loves her husband.

Your insistence that you don't want to be the house waitress is a fair one, and easily solved. At your nearest Walmart, they have these little mini-refrigerators, usually trimmed in dark brown. You can buy two and put one at each end of the sofa. They already look like end tables, so simply place lamps on them, cover them with doilies and magazines, and nobody will notice the difference, while your husband will be able to get his treats for himself. If you REALLY loved your husband, you'd make one of them a Kegerator, which has a keg of Coors inside and a beer tap on top. (Put a lampshade on top of the beer tap and everyone will simply think it's just another table lamp with a burnt-out bulb.) THAT is true love.

Finally, it's fair for you to want your husband to take you out on a date. Tell him so. To prime the pump, schedule a night out during the week. (You'll find restaurants and theaters a lot less crowded on a Tuesday night, and there is less chance of conflicting with NFL or NASCAR). At that dinner, let him know you'd like him to take you out more often. Also, remind him that sex is a participatory activity, but may become more of a spectator sport for him if he doesn't change his behavior.

The only caveat is, if the date he plans happens to be at the ballpark or track, don't bitch. At least you're out of the house, and you're not the one walking up and down the aisles yelling "Peanuts! Popcorn! Hot Dogs!" It's not a perfect solution, but it's a start.


^Abbner



If you have a question or need advice with a "male perspective" on relationship issues, behavioral issues, dude etiquette, or the best penmanship techniques for writing your name in the snow with yellow ink, e-mail your questions to dearabbner@yahoo.com.