Saturday, October 15, 2011

Surviving Chick Flicks

Dear Abbner,

My girlfriend and I have a great relationship. We agree on most things, and don't argue much over the things we don't agree on.

However, there is one area where we are completely incompatible, and it's starting to create friction that isn't going away.

I like all kinds of movies except one: chick flicks. (Or, for the more politically correct, "RomComs.")

If Katherine Heigl made a video that featured two hours of picking her nose, my girlfriend would insist we see it twice and buy three copies of the DVD.

Lately our weekly dates have turned into battle grounds, and nobody comes away unbloodied (which would be great if we were watching one of the movies I want to see, where blood is welcomed and encouraged).

Are you aware of any 12-step programs that might help get my girl free of her addiction to sap (as in sappy movies, not her boyfriend the sap)?

-Living In Heigl Hell







Dear Living,


This is a predicament.

You're asking me how to change the directions of the tides, or how to make the Earth spin in a different direction.

Unmarried women crave movies about other unmarried women becoming married women. That's a definitive, unchangeable fact that is more certain than whether Pluto qualifies as a planet.

But before you're forced to run off and enroll in the Renee Zellweger fan club, you have some options.

First, sidestep the theater.

To be honest, movie dates are the province of a lazy boyfriend, someone without the imagination and energy to come up with something different.

Plan dates that don't revolve around Hollywood's weekly offering of uninspired drivel. To be sure, the date can't be anything fun like bowling, fishing, hunting, car races, poker, or the strip club. And that's okay, otherwise, you wouldn't have anything left to do with your male buddies.

However, you can come up with something innovative that she'll like. Usually, anything with horses that doesn't involve a track or a $2 window will work, like horseback riding, a visit to a petting zoo, or a trip to anywhere in a horse-drawn carriage. (I believe a guy could pull off the unthinkable, the holy grail - getting his girl to accompany him to a strip club - if he took her there in a horse-pulled handsome cab.)

Consuming food in a romantic setting is also a consistent winner. Anything from a fancy restaurant down to a simple picnic in a quiet meadow is considered romantic. (A woman once shared one of the "secrets of the sisterhood" with me on this topic. Basically, a woman loves any meal, anywhere, as long as she doesn't have to cook it.)

If you can withstand torture that rivals the most insipid Jennifer Aniston RomCom, you always have the option of a date at a museum, art gallery, or craft show. Women always claim they enjoy the culture, but I believe it's really just faux shopping.

Should you run out of ideas for inspiring dates, do what your girlfriend is doing: watch the chick flick. But not as entertainment. Watch it the way she does - as an instruction manual. Just like your Saturday morning in front of the TV watching Roland Martin's fishing show, she's learning techniques on how to hook and gaffe you for that inevitable trip down the aisle. For you, a chick flick will be an instruction manual on cool date scenarios. The next time you are forced to spend 90 minutes watching Cameron Diaz pretend (badly) that she has trouble getting a man, take notes. There will be at least two examples of killer date ideas you can scarf.

And finally, if all else fails...

Marry the girl.

It's the only known cure for the disease.

For some reason, once a woman gets married, RomComs lose a lot of their allure. It seems a married woman's taste often turns more toward thrillers and murder mysteries, particularly those that feature plotlines where the cad of a husband takes a sightseeing trip through the wood chipper. I'm not exactly sure why.

The most important thing to remember is that dating is about pleasing her, not yourself. (That's what your own collection of "movies" stashed behind the bookshelf is for.)


^Abbner




If you have a question or need advice with a "male perspective" on relationship issues, behavioral issues, dude etiquette, or the best penmanship techniques for writing your name in the snow with yellow ink, e-mail your questions to dearabbner@yahoo.com.

1 comment:

  1. I have never known any woman to be cured of romcoms once they are married. I, for one, am a married woman and still love romantic comedies, but I am also a movie buff, so I can also enjoy action flicks, horror movies, etc.

    All of those suggestions on being more creative when it comes to your date nights are great, but there are some times when you just want to hang out at home on the couch with your significant other and watch a movie. That is the time when you will really be tested in your relationship. If neither of you can learn to compromise on something as small as a movie, good luck with the rest of your relationship. Relationships are about give and take. My husband and I will alternate movie picks. One night he picks the movie and, regardless if I like it or not, I will suck it up and watch it with him. The next movie night would be my turn and he would suck it up as well. If picking a movie that you will be agree on is the only problem you have so far in your relationship, then this little thing called compromise shouldn't be hard to accomplish. And your girlfriend needs to learn that, despite the advice given here, it really isn't just about pleasing HER on dates. Yes, the woman is the one the man is trying to impress/woo, but the woman has to show she is compassionate, selfless, etc. as well to show she is worthy of anyone's attention. Otherwise the chick isn't worth it (and this is coming from a chick).

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