Religious Mother-In-Law Wants Him To Go To Hell

Dear Abbner,

My mother-in-law to be hates me. She’s kind of a religious freak, and I’m kind of not. I haven’t seen the inside of a church since I popped out of the baptismal font, but that doesn’t mean I go around cussing around her or taking the Lord’s name in vain. But I’m convinced she thinks I’m evil.
She insults me constantly when I’m around the family, pointing out my bad manners in reaching across the table or in sneaking a bite before we’ve said grace. Thinking I could try and get in her good graces, I spent the entire last two weekends building her a deck off her back door. Her only comment was that I should’ve used Cedar.
My fiancé loves me, but it’s like fighting an uphill battle every day. What should I do?

Pissed in Powhatton



Dear Pissed,

It's times like this that being a Muslim would come in handy. One good fatwah or jihad at the dinner table would probably cure the problem.

In my experience, the only thing holy rollers such as your future mother-in-law love more than hating non-church goers is converting them.

For the next little bit, you SHOULD be cussing around her, taking the Lord's name in vain, and quoting lots of Nietzche. (Religious zealots LOVE it when you say things like "God is dead.")

Then start talking about holding your upcoming wedding in Vegas, or at a beach house with "Reverend Dude" presiding.

Be sure to mention at every family gathering how much you're looking forward to raising your future children as Druids, or that if Scientology is good enough for Suri Cruise, it'll be good enough for your offspring.

If your future mother-in-law can survive 3 weeks without having a petit mal seizure, then start asking innocent questions about her religion.

Let her prosletyze. Feign interest. But don't get sucked in completely. (When she offers to take you to her church, which is inevitable, tell her "I'm sorry, I just don't feel worthy yet, but I appreciate your teachings about the Lord.") Don't worry about offending God. HE knows what a witch this woman is since, after all, HE made her.

Eventually, she'll be telling all her Jimmy Swaggert clubmates how she helped you "see the light." After that, she wouldn't dare say anything negative about her celestial protege.

Eventually, you'll be able to go back to being normal. Just be sure you've memorized the most important phrase in all of Christianity: "I'm a sinner, and need forgiveness." You're going to need that one a lot once you're married. Fortunately, it's better than a "get out of jail free" card.


^Abbner