When is sex okay after surgery?

Dear Abbner,


My wife recently had that, you know, female surgery.

How long should I wait before slipping some extra pills into her pain medication bottle and proceeding to do the Humpty dance? Is the proper ettiquette to wait until she's out of the hospital first? (I gotta tell you, those automatic push-button hospital beds really get my imagination percolating, and I hate wasting the opportunity).

Thanks.


-Sore-handed In Seattle



Dear Sore,



Some may call you a self-absorbed cad. But I see the selfless physical therapy you are offering your lady, and I commend you for it. I don't think the roofie's will be strictly necessary or advisable. It is not your wife who will be anxious, it is her nether regions. You must treat the Vagina like a tiger cub: gently, playfully but ever cautiously.

As to the timing, you must never fornicate in the hospital! Leave that to the staff, who are trained professionals and do it all the time.

Strictly speaking, your wife's unit is out of action for 6 weeks. In one of nature's cruel jokes, during these 6 weeks, many post-hysterectomy patients find their libidos cranked higher than ever. This is how God toys with us, and proves even beyond the Washington Redskins, that she has a sense of humor.

But, nothing inside the canoe, doesn't mean nothing around or on the canoe. Use your imagination and pubescent memories.

Rest assured that when the 6 weeks are up and she is cleared for action, most married women return to their normal married sex drive. Which is to say none at all.

-Abbner